no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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