Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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