I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
