something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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