I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
