i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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