Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
