the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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