cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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