the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
