i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
3pm strippers are depressing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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