i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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