She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
