My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
