The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize