I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
