she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
