I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
