I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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