i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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