then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
