Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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