I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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