I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
