Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
