The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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