dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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