'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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