What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
