God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
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I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
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I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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