Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
