I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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