She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You're like the curious george of whores
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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