before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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