just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
