She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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