You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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