Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
