Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
