I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
