Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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