I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
