I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
we made out on top of his cat.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
