Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
