Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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