Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
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I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
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I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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