Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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