just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
