He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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