I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
