My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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