I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
It's blow job season.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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