Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
