There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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