Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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