im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
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just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
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Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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