hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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